I am worthy of being loved not just by others but also by myself. Robyn in Port Angeles, Wa.
A little while ago, we had the epicly stunning Robyn in to play with us! She has so bravely decided to share her story with us. This babe dug deep to get super raw and real with us, so please show her the love and compassion she deserves. <3
I was very lucky to be able to be granted to the opportunity to work with Jen and her team for my boudoir shoot. In today's society beauty standards are, well to put it frankly, f*cked!!
Yes I am tall, yes I am naturally skinny and I have what many people would consider a "model body" but that obviously wasn't good enough for society as I grew up believing that I wasn't good enough or pretty enough. In the world that media has created- you have to be perfect or you're nothing (and I'm sorry but perfection is in the eye of the beholder and no one is perfect according to the standards set by today's society). We have all seen it time and time again where media or magazines or even people themselves photo shop their photos to make themselves appear to be perfect in the eye of the public, that is so wrong and so hurtful, not just to the people who are being photo shopped but also to those who are looking at the photos and idolizing those people in the magazines or their favorite artists. I'm not saying that photo shop doesn't have its place, you want to take out that light switch in the background or the laundry hamper of unfolded or dirty clothes then yes photo shop is your BFF but I feel that it when you cut off 3 or 4 dress sizes or give someone an unrealistic thigh gap or you give someone a toned and tightened 6 pack abs that aren't really there, you are not only telling the world that this is what you have to look like to be accepted or beautiful or handsome or attractive but you are also telling that person who you just drastically changed their looks that they are not good enough being just who they are and they shouldn't love themselves for being who they are naturally.
If you would have asked me to place my self love of my body on a scale of 1-10 before my shoot I would have given myself a -20, and no I'm not being over dramatic. The day of my shoot Jen showed me photos on her camera while we were working together and that evening she even put up a sneak peek of my photos on her boudoir page that day- not only did my jaw drop when seeing my photos I realized that I was much more then a -20 I was at least a solid 5-6. Upon the final reveal of all my photos I finally saw what my husband had been trying to tell me for years and I love myself now more then ever before. Today my self love is a rock solid diamond 10, for those who don't know you can't really get much harder then a diamond when it comes to stones.
I was what you would call a late bloomer and I looked funny all throughout school, you can bet that my peers saw that and attacked it multiple times a day and everyday. I was made fun of from the moment that I set foot into school and it didn't ever stop it only got worse as the years went on. I don't recall a single day that I didn't come home from school crying because of the torture that I had endured from my peers. I was turned into the counselors many times for eating disorders that I didn't and still don't have. At first they tried to say that I was anorexic because I didn't eat when at school, I didn't eat because I was afraid that it would just give them something else to make fun of me for as I have a small mouth and tend to get my food on my face no matter what. When that was proved false because the school called my parents and had a long discussion with my parents about it, who ensured that that I wasn't anorexic because I could easily eat them out of house and home due to my metabolism, I then started eating at school to prove to the others that they were wrong regardless of the comments about me getting food on my face due to my small mouth. At that point they saw how much I ate so, therefore in their minds, I must be bulimic if I am eating this much and still so thin. Again there was a long discussion between the counselors and my parents to ensure them that I did not have any type of eating disorder of any sort. I truly feel that the only reason why they finally believed my parents on that fact is not because my parents told them that they were being dumb and this was all just another way for the other kids to torment me but because this time they also had my mothers baby brother be part of the meeting. My uncle is much like me when it comes to build, tall and skinny, the difference is that he is 6'4" and about 130-140lbs and I am 5'11" and about 135lbs, yes you read that right I weigh more then my uncle most days. Neither him nor I are malnourished or starving ourselves we eat all the time whatever we want chips, ice cream, pizza, pasta, BREAD we love us some fresh French bread, cookies, cakes, you name it we like it we eat it and in abundance. So that was in ways part of how I started to "hate" myself and feel that my body wasn't good enough, I also go made fun of for my name, Robyn. All throughout elementary school I was called " Skinny Robyn legs laid and egg" I was pushed shoved told I wasn't good enough. I was (called) ugly and my straight blonde hair resembled that of moldy hay which went well with my long ugly horse face, my nose was too big, my face too long. Then I started getting in my adult teeth (back to a tiny mouth) my mother described my teeth as "looking like something from the howling" yes you might think " how could a mother say such a hurtful thing about their own child" well the reality is that she wasn't just talking about me and my mouth, I have my mothers child size head, which means I also have my mothers child size mouth, when she would say those things she wasn't JUST speaking about my mouth and my teeth but she was also speaking about her own from before she had teeth removed and braces put on. Now my peers never called me as something from the howling but I was a " Snaggle tooth", " ratchet mouth", and of course "f*cked up face". As I'm sure you an all guess getting braces didn't stop the torment, I was told that I can fix my teeth but there is nothing I can do about my long a$$ ugly horse face and of course I got the typical brace face comments. There was one point in about 7th grade that I thought that glasses would help break up my face and make it not look so long so I convinced my parents I need glasses and that didn't help that help the torture it only made it worse and to the point that I was shoved into the walls and got my tooth chipped. I was pushed, shoved, tripped, hit, things thrown at me and so forth, really looking back it is no wonder that I hated myself so much, I was made to feel worthless and like I was better of just not being. When I was 18 I up and left Sequim, didn't tell anyone I was leaving just packed up my car and bounced, I moved to Yakima, no one knew me, no one made fun of me I was finally at peace. I met my now husband while I was there. I only lived there for about 6 months before coming home to Sequim, I have been home for about 13 years now and people still don't know that I am back in town and honestly I feel that is for the best. My husband has always ensured me that I was beautiful, even before there was an us, but I never fully believed him, when he would tell me how beautiful I was I would always tell him that he had to say that cause you don't tell the person that you're in a relationship with that they look like a soup sandwich in the bottom of a dumpster if you want to keep them or of course you think that I'm 15 years younger then you I've seen what your peers have turned into so that isn't a fair comparison. Once we actually got married I actually believed that he truly saw me as the beautiful person that he told me daily that he saw even though I didn't see it the way that he did I believed that he felt that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and that meant the world to me, that some one who wasn't a family member would actually see me as beautiful or gorgeous or even hot. Now my husband holds a lot of pride and was raised to never let them see you cry but when I walked down the aisle to him on our wedding day I could tell he was having a hard time not crying and I have to admit that that right there was a confidence boost for me, he had seen my dress before the wedding, even saw me in it as he helped me pick out how to bustle the train and what shoes when the best with it, he helped me pick out my hair style and saw (basically) how it would look with my veil, so the fact that even though he knew what to expected to see walking down the aisle at him and he still had to fight back tears was big for my self esteem. He has been a huge part of me coming to love my body, even during both my pregnancies he always assured me that I was still the most beautiful women he had even seen and how happy he was to have me in his life and that I was the one who was having his children, during labor also he told me how strong and beautiful I was and he was their through the whole ordeal. I never once told him it was his fault or that he did this to me as I knew that I wanted the babies too. In the days and weeks after having our babies both times he was a huge support for me, and still is. He tells me, almost daily, that yes I am right my body has changed since the birth of our babies but that gives him even more reason to love my body for what it has become because he knows how self conscious I have always been about myself. He tells me that he is lucky to have someone who was willing to undergo body changes to bring life into this world and for that he loves me and my body even more because if it wasn't for my body changing to make room for them babies or to make milk for the babies he wouldn't have them and he loves them, so he loves who I have become inside and out due to that.
When I was granted the opportunity to do a shoot with Jen and her team I have to admit that I was over the top nervous as all hell. I had been toying with the idea of doing a shoot for years or so with Jen but aside from funds not always being available for it I was terrified that I would get all the funds together book the shoot and go there just to hate every photo taken of me. I was afraid that I would get back my photos and just see that same old things that I always saw when I looked in the mirror, my huge nose, my hip bones sticking out, my overly long legs that I can never find pants to fit properly, my funky shaped boobs that had jumped from a DD to a FF to finally an odd shaped a B-C from being pregnant/breastfeeding for the last 6 years, my pasty pale skin that I can't get tan no matter what (I have two setting BURNT or pale) and so much more. None of that is what I saw when Jen showed me the photos on here camera during the shoot, they weren't even edited, I saw beauty, confidence and someone who could be in a magazine or a model. They made me not just be comfortable in my own skin and with my body but they made me LOVE myself and I never thought that it would be possible for me to love myself in the was that I do now.
When I first saw the first few sneak peek photos that Jen posted on her page I was in awe and in shock that those were photos of me and that I was able to look like that. Then the day of my photo reveal and that was the hardest day ever to chose which photos I wanted to keep. If I had had endless supply on money I would have gotten them all and there were well over 100 photos to chose from. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I the girl who was tormented and harassed all through school and growing up would look like that. I was stunning and beautiful and sexy and hot and confident. I finally saw what my husband had been trying to tell me I was for the past 13 years and I finally believed him. Since my shoot I have not said one thing about myself that is "body harmful" and when ever I am feeling down or like I'm not good enough in some way or the other I pull up my photos by Jen and just stare and them and remind myself that that is me and no one can ever tell me that I am something that I am not ever again.
My favorite part of my shoot with Jen and her team you would think that it would be the shoot in and of itself, but the truth is my favorite part was the friendly comforting atmosphere that they have created within the studio. I was so nervous when I walked in through the door cause I had so many issues with myself but they made me feel like we had been old time girlfriends since preschool. We laughed and joked, they helped me pick out many outfits to wear during my shoot that would compliment my body shape and accent my features and bring out my natural beauty. Jen and her team helped me with poses and made me feel like I was an old time pro at taking boudoir photos and I had done it a million times before even though the only professional photos I have ever had done before that was my wedding photos.
Jen has a fabulous team for her hair and makeup. They are not only professional but they know how to make you feel like you are the most beautiful person to ever walk through those doors. They asked me if I had any opinions on how I wanted my hair or makeup done and if I was going for any kind of specific look or any thing like that for my shoot. They took my opinions into considerations and were not only kind and gentle but they communicated with me on what they were going to do and asked if I was comfortable with things, like fake lashes, having the underside of my eyes lined, my hair curled or having heat put on my hair, if I was allergic to any kind of makeup or agents in the makeup.
I absolutely loved how all that I had to bring to the shoot was my self and undergarments Jen and her team/studio provided the rest. She had an entire wardrobe of outfits in all colors, shapes, sizes, one pieces, two pieces, lacy outfits, velvet outfits, solid outfits, strappy outfits and so much more. Best of all they help you choose which ones make you look the most fabulous for your shoot an for me that was a huge help because I can be very indecisive especially when it comes to pretty things.
The advice to any one who is debating doing a shoot is DO IT!!!! You only live once and this is one of those things that I feel every woman should experience at least once in their life. If you have a shoot booked and you're nervous about it, don't be (I know you still will- my palms were so sweaty while driving to Port Angeles for my shoot) but don't worry you are going to rock it and come out loving yourself more then you thought possible, you are in fabulous hands and Jen and her team will take the best care of you ever I can promise you that.
It has been over a month since I had my shoot and I still feel so empowered by the opportunity that has been given to me and I feel so sexy when I look over my photos. If it wasn't for my shoot I would still think that I was a fugly horse face with moldy hay hair. I have an entire new out look on life I suppose you can say. I have always known that kids can be horribly mean but I never thought that they were that far from the truth when they called me all those nasty things for all those years. Every day I look at my photos and remind myself that I am worthy of being loved not just by others but also by myself. I can't thank Jen and her team enough for what they have provided for me with just some simple photos.